Artemis Fowl

 

One of the many affects of the COVID-19 pandemic was an increase in the number of movies, that would have had a cinema release, which went straight to VOD or had a shorter run in the cinemas. Artemis Fowl is one those movies that skipped the cinema and went straight to Disney’s streaming service. It was probably for the best as it has all the makings of a box office disaster for more reasons than simply being really bad. Simply being good wouldn't have saved the film as it’s part of the genre (young adult fiction) that has decreased in popularity since the Hunger Games and Twilights days, and it’s start of a franchise rather than being one that’s already established in the movie industry (plus this has been in development hell since the early 2000s).

Robert Shaw’s grandson, Ferdia Shaw, plays bratty, criminal mastermind (though I didn’t actually see him break any laws apart from assaulting fairies but I doubt human’s have a law for that) Aretmis Fowl who finds out the fairytales his father (Colin Farrell) told him about are true, and faries do live under the surface. Fowl needs to find the Macguffin, a weapon named The Aculos, to rescue his father (Colin Farrell) from the villainous pixie Opal Koboi who wants to use this Macguffin for herself.

I do think there isn’t any doubt that this film would tank in cinemas. The word of mouth will be middling and the desire to go out and cinema would be very low. With it being on Disney + it’s hardly strenuous to flick on the TV (or turn on the PC), navigate to Disney + and sit through the film’s brief 90-minute runtime. The film’s short running time becomes its downfall as it leaves so many things unexplained or underdeveloped – what was the human - fairy relationship of the past? What happened to the fairies sucked up but the time freeze thing? Are they lost to all time or transported back to base?

Much of the film’s issues lie in how lame and incredibly datedly corny it is. The central two performances aren’t great, but they’re left with cringe-worthy dialogue and a lack of development in their characters. We also have a neighing centaur, a troll that’s a “big meanie” (the character who traumatised the troll with this vicious insult is supposed to be 12 not 6) and Judi Dench arriving on Irish shore saying “top of the mornin’”. It all leads to an experience where you can’t work out if your snorts are of derision or genuine laugher. 

This campy, corny ridiculousness stands as much chance being incredibly enjoyable (see Robin Hood; Prince of Thieves) as it does being completely disastrous. But unlike Prince of Thieves, Fowl lacks a good, fun villain. Opal Koboi (who apparently isn’t introduced to the series until the second book) is build up (briefly) as the most powerful pixie ever yet she literally doesn’t do anything (she even has a Darth Vader “noooooooooooo” moment). It doesn’t help that the lead performances, and many other performances, are pretty wooden but they not helped by mostly expositional dialogue. The only half decent performance is Josh Gad who, whilst being an exposition machine, gets a few laughs.

So, with the villain being a non-entity and dragged into a film they shouldn’t be in we are left with a film without a climax. It just gets resolved with ease. Add that to a world where magic can pretty much do anything from healing the dead and teleporting people to safety we are left with a story without a third act. Kenneth Brannah has directed good films in the past, but unless his original vision been cut up beyond all recognition in the editing room, this an effort falling well under what he is capable of.